Songs for the Stupid

Have you ever been listening to the radio when a song comes on with lyrics so bad that you just have to listen to the whole damned song?

This happened to me on the way to work today. A new song by a 17-year-old Canadian girl came on, and I was mesmerized by its appalling lyrics. Much like how cars on the highway have to slow down to get a good look at a bad accident, I had to stay tuned to the song until the end.

The latest slew of “artists” to hit the radio waves share a disheartening sameness. Pretty, young, and usually with nice voices, these young gals have semi-poetic songs that rhyme just a bit too easily, topics that are vaguely melodramatic, and webpages that beg you to vote for their song on MTV’s TRL.

Let’s look at the current crop of music on the scene today. First up is Vanessa Carlton, with her Olympics-theme-sized A Thousand Miles:

Making my way down town
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I’m home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
Cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles
If I could just see you… tonight

It’s always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever think of me

Cause everything’s so wrong
And I don’t belong
Living in
Your precious memory

Hmm. Let’s see. So this is about a young girl who is going home (why? when? where is she coming from?), who is dazed and not paying attention to anything. It’s times like these (when she’s coming off a drug high?) that she thinks about someone who is not thinking about her, and she wants to fall into the sky (how do you fall into the sky when it’s above you? and is this a suicide attempt?). Regardless, everything is wrong. And she doesn’t belong in the mysterious “you”’s memory (whatever the fuck that means–he shouldn’t think of her? she shouldn’t think of him?).

Next up we have Michelle Branch, with her current popular hit, All You Wanted.

I wanted to be like you
I wanted everything
So I tried to be like you
And I got swept away

I didn’t know that it was so cold
And you needed someone to show you the way
So I took your hand and we figured out
That when the tide comes I’d take you away

(*Chorus)
If you want to

I can save you
I can take you away from here
So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted was somebody who cares

I’m sinking slowly
So hurry hold me
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on
Please can you tell me
So I can finally see
Where you go when you’re gone

Riiiiiight. So here’s this young girl who wants to be like you (boy, this “you” gets around), but then finds out that it’s not all it’s cut out to be, and everybody is lonely. So she saves you by holding out her hand to you. But something happens, and then she needs you to save her. But then even though you’re holding her hand, she can’t tell when you’re gone (is she stupid?). According to CJay, this song is about lesbianism, which I sure hope is right, because it would make the song a lot more interesting.

Even those chicks who try to be anti-cute end up falling into the same dull category. Let’s look at the always frightening Pink, who tries for an anti-Britney vibe with her Don’t Let Me Get Me:

I never win 1st place
I don’t support the team
I can’t take direction
And my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me
My parents hated me
I was always in a fight
‘Cause I can’t do nothing right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
Can’t take the person staring back at me

I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

LA told me
You’ll be a pop star
All you have to change
Is everything you are
Tired of being compared
To damn Britney Spears
She’s so pretty
That just ain’t me

So doctor doctor won’t you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else

The only interesting line in the whole song is the one about teachers dating her, but frankly, I don’t like pedophilia in my rock songs. Otherwise, the song sticks to the traditional layout even though it comes with purportedly anti-girly girl themes: a young, wild, rebellious girl who hates herself (and has dirty socks)! She doesn’t want to be compared to anyone else, but she wants to BE someone else. Ah, poor Pink — so m!ssundaztood.

Remember the Grunge Years, which were shortly followed by the Women in Rock Year, and then the just-fading Teen Bubblegum Pop Phase? This new trend in music could best be summed as the Insipid Rhyming Little Girls Year. Jewel, if she were a decade younger, could probably do quite well*.

To close, here’s a little song by yours truly, in the style of this nasty little girly trend.

You are the One (a parody of bad stupid songs by Supersonic Jane, written and typed in approximately 2 minutes)

I wake up
I say, “sup?”
It’s cold outside
Maybe someone died.

But I miss you
I love you
Do you even know
when you make me low?

You are the one
Although you are not much fun
That’s ok
It’s a brand new day
And I see you in my dreams

All the peeps
They are creeps!
They don’t know how cute you are.
But you are so far
Are you in the sky?
Or maybe I should cry.

You are the one
Although you are not much fun
That’s ok
It’s a brand new day
And I see you in my dreams
(repeat until you puke)

4/5/01

*Postscript 6/10/03: On June 3, 2003, Jewel released a new CD titled 0304. This CD marked her attempt to move from folk singer-songwriter to pop star, and her first single, Intuition, began by proclaiming that all she needed to do was follow her heart and intuition to find the right direction. But then it became a love song, of sorts:

Posted by: ssjane | June 10, 2003 | 5:49 pm
Posted in: Rants