In Jane World…
- No one would be allowed to use “reply all” unless they are responding to a work email. Do we, the people who have had the misfortune of being cc’d on a group email, really need to see multiple email replies that consist solely of “congratulations!” from people we don’t even know? NO!! We do not!!!
In Jane World, people improperly using the “reply all” feature would be punished by being forced to read the very first diary I ever kept, which features such scintillating entries as “PT explained quite clearly to me that I have mixed feelings about Mark. I sometimes like him, but sometimes don’t, so that’s why I sometimes like him and sometimes not.” In addition, it is written in very poor handwriting and contains several hand-drawn portraits of Madonna, circa “Who’s That Girl.”
- People would have to take a test before being allowed to have children. Have you heard the news story about the mom whose 3-year-old wandered out of the house and onto a nearby highway, and when police came to her door, she said, “Oh, he got out again”? And has another child, and is pregnant with a third?
- Anyone suffering from a cold would be immediately locked up and placed in a bubble so that he could not infect, say, his spouse, who currently believes that Trent Reznor’s Head Like A Hole must have been written during a cold like this one.
- All people would be required to tell the truth about other people. Instead of statements from neighbors that they would “never have suspected John of being a child molester. He was a nice guy, very quiet,” people would say, “you know, he was kind of weird, and I started thinking something was wrong when he asked to borrow my daughter’s Barbie doll, because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have kids.” No one would ever say “she was honestly the nicest person in the world and never had a mean thing to say about anyone,” but instead we would hear, “she was a bitch and she cheated on tests all the time.” This particular Jane World law is solely for Jane’s own amusement, and has no bearing on legal issues whatsoever.
- Tom Cruise would be locked away permanently in the Jane World version of Hell, in which he would be forced to hold an infinite argument with someone who was only able to repeat “you don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do” over and over again, and also interrupted him every time he tried to say something.<
- Residents of Jane World would consist solely of people like Jane who hold Jane’s opinions.
- People would get paid for reading good books. Oooh, and for eating potatoes.
As you can see, Jane World is a fascinating new place full of wonder and excitement. Hurry now and book your tickets to visit this terrific vacation spot, before a small minority faction of Janes rise up to overthrow the Jane government!
Posted by: ssjane | January 23, 2007 | 3:35 pm
Posted in: This Life