Me and Carter, Down By the Schoolyard
Dear Carter,
I was so excited to get your letter. Last week, I was feeling miserable. I mean, Chase Bank had just rejected me. Chase didn’t even want my credit, my money, or my business. I really tried to get over this rejection, but honestly, I was beginning to wonder if any credit card would ever want me again.
And yet, despite my status as a leprosy-ridden undesirable, you, Carter Franke, Chief Marketing Officer for Chase Card Services, have actually defied the wishes of your superiors and contacted me today! I finally know how Juliet must have felt that first time when Romeo stood underneath her window, yelling, “Hey, hottie, let’s you and me meet by the tombs, a’ight?”
Don’t try to deny your love for me, Carter. I know you want me. I know you want me bad. You want me so bad that you even spent a “PRSRT STD U.S. Postage PAID” envelope on me.
Even the front of your envelope was so shockingly enticing: “Earn triple points automatically!” “20,000 Bonus Points after your first purchase!” “No late, overlimit, or annual fees!”
By golly, could there have been a clearer sign that yours was the card for me? You even sounded better than the card Chase had just ripped away from my arms.
I don’t mind telling you that I could barely control myself. I had to tear open the envelope right away. I skimmed the sentences (because, as much as we love each other, even you have to admit that sometimes your prose could use a little tightening-up).
You were so wonderful to pre-approve me, and give me three points for every dollar I spend in any three of 15 categories. (Truthfully, darling, I’m not quite sure what these 15 categories are since you neglected to mention them, but I’m sure you will clarify it all in that tiny, tiny print on the back of your letter. No matter, these categories will probably be exactly the ones I want to use my “Chase Freedom World MasterCard” on. Even the name of your card just dances off my tongue!)
I especially appreciate how much sympathy you have for my status, Carter. Surely you must have known that I would be so distraught that I would have trouble focusing, because I can’t think of any other reason why you would tell me that I would earn three points on every dollar of eligible purchases seven times, just on the first page of your letter.
I am eagerly anticipating meeting my new card, since you know that one of the reasons Chase and I fell out was over the 2614 Amazon points which he brutally took from me without warning. And you’ve been so kind to emphasize that I will never lose points with you, and that there are “no complicated rules”! (Wait, did you write the entire letter by yourself, Carter? Because I still don’t know about those 15 categories.)
Anyway, Carter, I have to run now. If I hurry, I’ll be able to catch the mailman before he loses more of my bills in his truck. I’m going to stick this letter in the reply envelope you thoughtfully included for me, with “No Postage Necessary If Mailed in the United States.” (How thrillingly naughty you are, Carter! “No Postage Necessary” — pardon me while I fan myself!)
Your new BFF,
Jane
xxooxxooxxo
Posted by: ssjane | March 28, 2007 | 2:33 pm
Posted in: Rants