Winking and Wishing

Today, I became the enemy. Today, I winked at someone on Match.com.

As soon as I hit the “Wink for FREE!” button on the person’s profile, I was horrified. I wasn’t ready to wink at anyone yet! I wasn’t ready to try meeting a stranger again for coffee, let alone go through the byzantine process of actually placing an order at Starbucks! (“Yes, please remind me again, what is your code word for a medium sized cup of overly expensive hot beverage?”)

Because Match.com doesn’t let you take back your winks, I did the next best thing — I went on and winked at another person. I felt like a slut. Winking at TWO people! The shame!

Hell, I was already in for my money, so I winked at a third person. Now I was becoming carried away, like a drug addict who’d just remembered where his secret stash was hidden. I had to log off quickly, because otherwise I was clearly going to become a winking whore.

Would any of these people respond? Would I be devastated if they didn’t? Would I be devastated if they did? Now that I thought about it, did I even care? I would be off the site in another month or so and unless I accidentally ran into one of the wink-ees, no one else would ever know that I had dared wink at someone and hadn’t or had received a response. (Well, until I posted about it on my website — if you embarrass yourself and don’t post about it, has it really happened? Answer: Yes, so you might as well just post about it!!)

In all seriousness, I know I talk an awful lot about Match.com on this site, at least recently, but that’s because it’s a diversion from my reality. The reality is Chris is filing for divorce this week, and I don’t really understand why. I know I may never understand why. That doesn’t make things easier to bear.

There are many things I wish that he and I had done differently. I wish he had talked to me when all of this was happening inside him, instead of after he came to his own conclusions and decisions. I wish I had been more proactive in asking him what was wrong. I wish he had been honest with himself, instead of finding ways to blame me for everything. I wish I did not blame myself for everything. And I wish he had chosen to do this 5 years ago instead of now. At least the quality of men in my age group would have been better.

Posted by: Supersonic Jane | September 30, 2009 | 12:00 am
Posted in: This Life