A Guide For Guys

Or, How to Get a Real Woman to Respond More Favorably to Your Online Dating Profile.

Photos

• You must include a photo of yourself. Or you can totally, totally, rock the written portion of the profile, during which not one single typo is allowed. I will tell you now that you will not rock the written portion; therefore, you must include a photo to get some kind of response.
   
• If you have done some quick Photoshopping to crop out an old girlfriend from your half of the photo, just take a new picture of yourself. If you don’t have a camera, borrow a friend’s camera or use your cell phone, because we women are not blind. We can, in fact, still see your old girlfriend’s lopped-off arm draped around your neck. All you’ve done is remind us that if we choose to fall for you, we too will someday be just be a lopped-off arm around the neck of a tremendously lazy man.
   
• Don’t include photos of yourself with another woman of your generation, even if she’s your sister (“he must be already dating someone or why would he include her?”). Or with a group of women (“player!”). A mixed group of sexes is generally fine (“okay, he knows how to make friends”).
   
• Mixed group photo = okay. Photo of you with a bunch of your best guy friends all dressed in identical Booze Cruise t-shirts = not okay. First, if we can’t pick you out from the crowd right away, all we’ve learned is that you have a Zelig-like ability to disappear into photos (and consequently from our memories). Second, some of your best guy friends are going to be hotter than you, and we’re going to be wondering how to reach them, not you.
   
• Do not make the primary photo one where you look thinner than the average woman. We do not want to date men who weigh less than we do.
   
• Shirtless photos or nearly naked photos of you are less attractive than you think. Yes, we can see you work out. We would have preferred that you just tell us in the profile, though, and save the bedroom pics for when/if you actually make it into the bedroom with one of us.
   

Usernames

• Choose a simple username: something with just initials and numbers, or an innocuous description about a TV show, non-sexual object, or your career. “HotandHumble”* and “footfetishfreak”* are not eyecatching in the way you want.
   

Description

• Let’s face it — everyone on dating sites is laid-back, easygoing, and has a great sense of humor. And what are they all looking for? An emotional connection with someone confident, outgoing, and adventurous. Everyone is lying. Except “footfetishfreak.”
   
• You can either stay safely generic (“passionate guy searching for true romantic connection with fun, caring woman”) or try tossing some honesty we’ll remember into your description (“as far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster”). Just be sure not to go overboard with your honesty (“blahblahblah cant believe i have to fill 2000 characters”).
   
• Also, it’s okay to use some punctuation.
   

Your Ideal Match

• No need to be extremely thorough in this section, but you should have some preferences selected. Once we see that you’re looking for a woman “3′ to 8′ tall,” we know you were too lazy to think about what you want. Not thinking about what you want = not knowing what you want = not serious. Unless you’re really open to dating midgets or dwarfs, at least have the courtesy to specify the height/age/race you really want.
   

First Electronic Contact

• Winks are okay if you’re legitimately uncertain whether the woman is interested in your height/age/race. Otherwise, winks just say you looked at our photo, thought we weren’t ugly, and hit a button. Wow. Thanks for that effort.
   
• Email people who sound interesting. Ask them a question about something they wrote in their profile, to show you actually read it. Keep the first email short — 3 or 4 sentences is plenty.
   
• Don’t make that first email too short (“dinner?”), and don’t immediately ask to meet (“dinner?”). Then you just come off like a pervert, and even worse, an indiscriminating pervert.
   
• Don’t send the same person multiple emails a few weeks apart (“dinner?”). Now we know you’re stupid.
   
• Advice specific to footfetishfreak: People like different things, and I’m not judging (ok, I am), but if you have a fetish so strong that you need to mention it in your profile and in your very first email to a complete stranger…let me introduce you to something called Google. Go out there and find a group that caters to like-minded people. Otherwise, keep your fetish to yourself until you’ve actually met the other person, and more than once. Excuse me, I must vomit now.
   

First Person-to-Person Contact

• Coffee/tea. Daytime meeting. Public location. This is the only thing Starbucks is good for.
   

*Not a real username.**
**But very close to it.

Posted by: Supersonic Jane | October 10, 2009 | 12:00 am
Posted in: This Life